When I explain to my two boys (ages 5 and 6) about adoption, I often use the wordage, "We want to expand our add to our family through adoption." Do they really know what that means? I could choose to speak down to them as the children that they are, yet I have decided to talk to them as little men.
For, oh, I'd say about 4-5 years, my husband and I have discussed and I've prayed to adopt. After our second child was born, we tried two more times to expand our family through birth and God did not allow--I miscarried both at about 10-12 weeks. Never thought it would happen to me. I know, right, how misinformed am I? How eutopian is my world? Needless to say, I walked into the OB/Gyn's office both times fully expecting a good report and both times, after initially finding and hearing the heartbeat on early visits, couldn't find the poor babes' life murmur. I was devastated to say the least. Both instances I did not voluntarily abort at home. My doc suggested a DNC and I agreed. Terrible experience.
Before all this, my prideful little self prayed to Almighty God saying, "Lord, if you want us to adopt don't allow me to have a baby." Of course, my thoughts were not to get pregnant at all. Never did it occur to me I would have to endure a miscarriage x 2.
After about 2 years, I have healed and moved on as much as possible. I am assured now of the course we sojourn, trusting the fact that God is not some cruel tyrannical ruler--no. But, I did test Him, by viritually saying, "Hey, I'm going to try this because I want to and if I'm in the wrong, stop me." Yet, He is gracious, not a bully and from my miscarriages came a blood disorder diagnosis I would not have known before. One that could lead to early death. He is good...
Since that time, my hubby and I have went back and forth using contraceptives (only condoms) to nothing. I have never gotten pregnant again. After reading the matriarchs stories (Sarah, Rachel, etc.) I realize just how much of a hand God has in conception. He can close our womb or open our womb dependent upon His plan--not his cruelty or misjudgment. I truly believe, to my initial chagrin, that God has closed my womb.
And that's okay. Not at first, mind you, but now, after mulling it over in my mind for a year or so, it is well with my soul and I am beginning to understand what God may be up to.
That all said, my husband was not so excited or prepared to adopt. I believe the unknowns scared him. I prayed and prayed, knowing full well I could not do so without his approval. And one day, literally, one day (at least to me--I'm certain he'd been thinking about it a while) he spoke the triumphant words, "I am ready to adopt." So here we are about 1.5 years later still praying, hoping, searching for the avenue, time and place to adopt a new member into our family. We have looked at domestic infant (it ended up that the agency accidently divulged information that they charge differing amounts per race of child, i.e. a AA child is 16,000, mixed race, 24,000 and all caucasion 30,000) yeah--no joke. Made me sick inside. I really should turn them in somewhere...
Anyway, that ended our working relationship with that agency. Jilted, we prayed and moved to look at international adoption via Ethiopia--the place to do so these days. After our first real meeting with the agency, my husband (I believe) freaked about the costs and talked me into looking at fosadopt first--before committing. I agreed. I'm all about checking out all the options before settling. We did, realized it's not exactly what we were looking for and went back to straight up adoption.
Today, I still wonder if Ethopia is where we will land, but I have information being sent my way from another infant domestic adoption agency. Super excited, super hopeful and super trying my best to wait upon the Lord.
Until next time...pray.
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