A Call

Blogs. I know people read 'em. But do they really care? Random individuals who rant and rave about a subject or life situation that most others have no idea how to respond or whether they should give a rat's behind or not. No real conversation, just the opportunity to speak "at" the general audience lovingly titled "the world."

So here I am. Falling into the pattern of millions of others around the globe. Pitter pattering away on my laptop keyboard knowing no one will read this--it's simply for me. My personal online journal.

The topic of which I will rant: Adoption. Or lack their of. More accurately, a call which is in question.

I begin in the middle, which will more than likely confuse the hay out of anyone that may decide to read this little post. Oh, well. I really don't care...

Note to reader: I will be very sarcastic at times. Read carefully; in no way do I not love and respect the Lord. I'm just a little peeved and when I get that way, inconsiderate and awkward humor can pour forth. You have been warned...

When my heart became convinced (by affirmations received by the Lord) we were to pursue adoption, I couldn't have been more pleased. Afterall, God was finally catching up to me--I had adoption as a good option to expand our family for years and he was just NOW telling me he agreed. About time... or so I thought.

Innocently, 'tis my weakness, or strength, depends on how you roll the dice, I cast my lot in domestic adoption. We have tons of kids here in the USA that need homes. No better place to start. Agency after agency repeated the same phrase, "We aren't accepting any new families, but you're welcome to send in an application and be put on a waiting list." I hate waiting. No thank you. Moving on...

Next, I found a place. No, no I was pretty certain is was the place from where we were to adopt. We begin he process and are about to send in $ when I inadvertently discover the non-profit agency charges differing amounts depending upon the race of the child. What?! Is that even legal? Scratch that place...

Maybe we should look to international adoption. We looked at Ethiopia. Yes! Perfect! We qualified and even found an agency that seemed legit. Great! Here we... What? Ethiopia is significantly decreasing the number of adoptions they will process each year. Ok...what does that mean? We wait? Great. I hate waiting...

China special needs. The program had been brought up more than once, so I proceeded to check it all out to see what it held for us. After working out the fears and finding a little boy with a need that we thought we could handle (our boy was born with the same problem) we were told we didn't qualify financially for the program. Super...

BAM! A door slams in our faces. BAM! BAM-BAM! Three more. I'm starting to become confused. Why do so many others succeed so easily at adoption and here we are, wanting what James 1:27 calls a pure religion, and it's not happening?

Enter reality check.

Over the course of the past 1.5-2 yrs., my husband and I have been on a roller coaster of two miscarriages and many adoption let-downs. Little did I know just how much this all had consumed me. Not until I sat in bed late one night this past week, did I stop to listen. Sad to say, it had been the first time in many days/weeks I had quieted my heart before the Lord. You know what I heard? I heard God whisper, "You've become too focused on the call and have neglected the One who called."

Ouch. Reality bites like a rabid squirrel.

He can't lie. And He's never wrong. Truth is the truth; I had, on further recollection, become so vigilant to adopt and prideful in the way I had told so many we were--how it was God's calling for us--that I had pushed God's heart of love for children aside. And not just that--God's love for all. I feel like one of those psycho women on a TLC made for TV movie who looses her marbles when life doesn't go as she planned.

Oh, Lord! Forgive me! Forgive my pride. Humble me and cleanse my soul from all unrighteousness. I have been sinful. Even in ways not accounted for I have sinned against You and You alone. I love you, Father. And know, without a doubt, You love me. I trust Your will in all things--mainly the addition of children to our quiver. You were, are and always will be, LORD.

Amen.